I've been vegging out really hard in bed the last few days. I mean bundled up in my down comforter, laptop appropriately propped up so I can watch Netflix until my eyes bleed. Sometimes even the beach doesn't sound more appealing than my bed.
It's given me a lot of time to think, as anyone could imagine (15 seconds between each new episode to be exact).
Many people have seen a particular post on my Facebook and have asked, nonstop, if I'm moving home. Well flat out, the answer is no. But with all this time laying around with nothing but time to ponder my life, I've realized I totally can if I want to. I can go anywhere I want.
Since graduating college, actually some of you know it was even before graduation that I started having a massive breakdown. As far back as I can remember, the plan was to go to college and get a degree. I remember putting some of my allowance in the bank to save up for college when I was still in elementary school, even though college seemed like a lifetime away when I was seven years old.
Big surprise, my mom knew it would come faster than I thought, but I just wasn't on board with that yet. For all I knew I had plenty of time until I would stroll into a university.
I began looking at colleges in high school and even then, the Friday night football games took priority over filling out applications. I finally chose the University of Hawaii after two long (but now that I look back, quick) years in community college. I flew off to paradise to get that degree but came to find out I would not be graduating in four years. I was behind one year and would have to attend the university a little longer than planned. This was devastating. I felt like I would be in school until I was 90 years old.
Would I ever graduate? Would I ever be able to finally say I had a bachelor's degree? It felt like another lifetime would go by until that happened. Then one day, I woke up and it was my last first day of school ever.
*Insert mental breakdown here*
How in world was I seven years old, "saving up for college" like yesterday? All of the sudden I was five months out from graduation and I realized I forgot to set a new goal.
All this time I had been striving to get my degree. I was about to be holding it in my hands and I had NO idea what I would do next. I cried a lot. I called my mom a lot. I sulked even more and somehow managed to graduate my final semester from UH on the dean's list.
I was incredibly proud, I think my parents were more proud, but I still felt like something was missing. I had a hole in my heart and I didn't know what I was going to do to fill it. I didn't (and still don't) know what kind of career path I wanted to take. I didn't (and still don't) know where I wanted to settle down. I was (and still am) just working at a bar and living in Hawaii.
I felt lost for a long time without school. I had been going to school nonstop since preschool. Nine months since I graduated and it still feels incredibly strange to never write papers or study for exams. I lived and breathed school for 23 years. There was nothing to replace all the time school used to take up and I saw it as wasted space. Space I didn't even think to fill and now it would just sit there, empty and useless.
Today, though, is a new day. Nine months since graduation and I'm still very unsure of where I will go next, but I realized today what a blessing that truly is. I am free from the chains of term papers and exams. The prison gates of college opened and I walked out into the world a free woman.
See, all this time, every move I made was to get one step closer to my degree. Sure I could make detours here and there but always jumped right back on the path toward graduation. Now that I have my BA, my stepping stones that were, at one time, in a perfectly straight line, are now all over the place. I can literally go where ever I want, and I never ever have to go back. I can leave Hawaii, I can leave the university, and I don't have to rush back for anymore first days of school.
I thought finishing school left a hole in my heart because school was missing. However, that part of my heart simply filled to the brim, and I can fill this new empty space with new adventures I haven't even thought of yet. Whether it's the career of a lifetime or the vacation of a lifetime, I have full unrestricted freedom to choose what I want to do next.
So back to everyone's question about whether or not I am planning to move home. Although I am not heading back to Arizona, I have been contemplating my next destination. Denver is at the very top of my list. Today, while mindlessly scrolling through instagram I even momentarily thought about just picking up and hopping over to a different island for a while. The best feeling in the world is knowing the possibilities are virtually endless.
I am a free bird.
