It's Chilly In Arizona

Hey, ever thought about keeping a huge secret surprise for 5 months?

DON'T DO IT. 

Keeping my Christmas visit home a secret since August has literally been crushing my soul. I am the worst at lying, especially to my poor sweet mother. Good thing I was lying through text messages. It's easy to hide my anxiety about lying from behind a phone, 3000 miles away. 

Rewind: I told my family I wasn't going to come home for the holidays this year. I really wasn't going to. I just didn't feel like making the trip (I'm the Grinch). Then one random day I called my best friend, Emily and said, "Hey if I come home for Christmas to surprise my family will you be the chosen one who gets to know, aka pick me up from the airport?" She goes, "Yepp, I'll pay half for the plane ticket too. Merry Christmas." 

My ticket was purchased within the hour. Thanks, Em. You really are the greatest. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your never ending support in everything I do.

For MONTHS people would ask me, one by one, if I was coming home. Lie after lie about how I don't care to be home, don't feel like it, like Hawaii, don't miss Arizona, flew through cyber space. Little by little my soul was being crushed. Secrets are hard.

FINALLY December 21st arrived, I got to the airport, and my surprise began to unfold.

These two beautiful ladies showed up at my gate. It was 10pm, it was cold, I was excited to get my bags and get outside. I walked RIGHT by these two who were dancing in the airport right in front of my face. Surprise for me... I got two huge slaps to the butt cheeks. It scared the ever loving shit out of me. Then we all hugged for like 20 minutes (10 seconds) and laughed and laughed at what an idiot I am for walking right past them. Fun times.

Girls night at Emily's house involved hot tubs, wine, pizza, cookies, more wine, more pizza, and so much gossiping, talking, bonding, cuddling, and laughing. I wanted to sit outside in the freezing cold, warming up by the fire, chatting with my two bests all night long. 

The next morning we peeled our tired selves out from under the layers and layers of comfy blankets and got ready to head from Chandler to Glendale before the sun was even up to surprise my family. I could not contain my excitement. When we arrived at my moms house we discovered the doorbell is broken. I have a key to her house that I could have easily used, but let me show you the scary thing inside that prevented me from using it.

His name is Boston. He's a 100lb Rottweiler (who thinks he's a lap dog, as pictured here) and I was unsure if he would be roaming around the house, ready to eat an intruder's face off. So I decided to keep knocking in hopes that my mom wasn't blow drying her hair or blasting Christmas music too loudly to hear.

When she opened the door she was screaming. (I later learned that she had seen me through the peep hole and that's why she was screaming before the door was even open). I hugged my crying mama and out ran my little sister, Hannah screaming as well. The three of us hugged and cried and screamed some more. The relief of the surprise being over overwhelmed me. It felt so good to be hugging my family. And I sure was glad they were happy to see me (not that I was too worried they wouldn't be).

I urged everyone to keep off of snapchat, Facebook, twitter, instagram, and any other social media site that could reveal I was home before everyone got a chance to be surprised. (it was beyond difficult for us 20-something-year-olds).

Lindsay was next. We popped into the pharmacy she works at and asked for her at the front desk. I saw her head pop up from behind a glass barrier and just started cracking up. She came around the corner wiping her tears, asking me why I always do this to her. It's too good to see her reaction to NOT surprise her. 

All my favorites in one parking lot. Did I mention how amazing it feels to be home?

So next we found my dad at the house he was working at. He is the HARDEST person on the planet to surprise. He is a surprise ruiner. He knows all of his gifts before he gets them. I was determined to catch him off guard. My sister called him and asked where he was working at the moment. He told her, but also asked why in the world she wanted to know. My adorable, just as terrible at lying as I am, little sister tried her best to feed him excuses. "I need to drop something off to you. What, you ask? Uhh, just something!" My dad said, "you're with someone aren't you?" So she hung up the phone and Hannah, Emily, Kailey, and I all got super bummed out, thinking he figured it out. He knew I was about to walk up to him, the surprise was over. I didn't even catch it on video because I thought he was expecting to see me. SURPRISE RUINER. 

Well, guess what? I walked up as my dad was coming out from behind the house he was working at. His face absolutely lit up like a Christmas tree (see what I did there?) He asked what the heck I was doing here and gave me a huge hug. Turns out he had no clue the person showing up with Hannah would be me. MOTHER TRUCKER. But also *pats self on back* for actually pulling it off.

The last person on the list was my little baby sister, Karlee. At 5-years-old she is able to send me weekly snapchats saying she misses me and hopes I come back from Hawaii soon. She's the sweetest little girl on the planet.

She RAN up to me and gave me the biggest hug when I walked in the door. My dad told me, the entire next day she looked out the window, asking when I was coming over again. Feels so good to be loved by her, even though I'm hardly ever around. Even my 2-year-old brother gave me a huge hug. He REALLY doesn't know me. But they knew I was there for them and they made me feel the love.

I reunited with my best friends from high school. The big hugs I received confirmed that nothing had changed and probably never will. We love coming together during school breaks and partying like it's our senior prom all over again. 

Then our Christmas Eve traditions began. Hannah and I showed up to our family gathering matching from head to toe. We are really mature and hilarious like that. My heart was so full from dancing in the car with my sister, eating at my favorite restaurant with my aunts, uncles, and cousins, telling Christmas stories, and playing Christmas games. 

I honestly can't believe I wasn't going to come home this year. Although my skin is drying out from the weather, my allergies are absolutely killing me, and I can't seem to find pants to keep me warm enough once the sun goes down, I am overjoyed to be in Arizona with my family and friends. An entire year without them is far too long. 

I am going to try my best to see everyone I love while I am here. Old friends, family, dance teachers and all. But if I don't make it to all of you, just know that I love and miss you all and think of you often while I'm living out my dreams in Hawaii. The support I get from everyone here in Arizona is heart warming and I couldn't ask for a better place to come home to for the holidays.

Mele Kalikimaka, friends. Merry Christmas to all my loves.

Arizona, you will always be my home.

I'll be out and about, being weird with my sister until the 30th. 

xo, Tatum

Things I do Instead of Study

This is for all you kids out there with final exams this week.

I need periodic breaks between study seshes (I'm talking every 10 minutes my brain needs something to do besides be productive). Take this blog as an example. The words you are currently reading are giving me a mental break from reading 12 short stories for my English class.

These are things I do, watch, read, look at, and daydream about instead of study productively.

1. This is the funniest thing I have ever seen and it will never stop making me laugh hysterically no matter how many times I watch it:

2. Find assorted photos of when we had dogs and I tortured them. (Mostly Layla cause she deserved it):

3.  Find assorted photos from all different semesters at UH Manoa where I should have been studying but was playing with my phone instead:

4. Find new music (Shout out to James J. Harbour) He's been keeping me up to date in spotify and out of my text books:

New favs:

Why Try -Ariana Grande

Promises -Ryn Weaver

Pumpin Blood (Acoustic) -NONONO

Back in Your Head -Tegan and Sara 

^^ oldie but goodie

Coffins -MisterWives

I Can't Stop Drinking About You -Bebe Rexha

(Do a lot of those sound like sad break up songs? Oh woops)

5. Find assorted photos of me and my sister annoying my mom in the car (sorry mom) : 

We love ganging up on my poor mommy. She's the sweetest for putting up with us. Miss you guys! <3

6. Watch millions of Jenna Marbles videos that I've already seen 20 times because she makes me feel like I'm going to be okay in life even if I do nothing but make stupid videos (or write stupid blogs in my case)

Favs:

More Things I Don't Have Time For

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWGA8i2TynU

(^^ relevant)

What Bitches Wear at the Airport

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzcBDXyJO_w

What Girls Do In The Bathroom In The Morning

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYfZwDorJsw

(^^that's real life)

7. Spend 20 minutes trying to figure out how to embed those videos in this blog, give up, try again for 20 more minutes. Give up again and accept that I am too new at blogging and too technologically challenged to make shit like that happen. 

8. Find a handful (because there is definitely way more than this) of photos of Miley Cyrus that I have saved on my computer and realize I have a problem:

9. Find insane photos of Miley and cry and reminisce over when she wasn't a psycho: 

^^wut

10. Try to think of names for Meredith's baby because I told her if my egg works I get to name the baby:

11. Day dream about what finishing my exams will be like:

12. I'm Channing Tatum:

13. Just LOL at things I find on the internet:

HONEY BOO BOO I LOVE YOU. My special juice is gonna help me wiiiin!

^^If you don't know who Carly Aquilino is, google her, follow her on twitter, follow her on instagram, then never stop laughing

14. Get pissed that there might be anyone on the planet who doesn't know who Carly Aquilino is. Proceed to find memes of her to share here and save the world:

She's from the TV show Girl Code. <3

15. Get excited to spend New Years with my bff Kailey in Hawaii this year:

^^New Years last year 

16. Run out of things to do to distract myself from studying. Actually go back to studying. Aka crying.

1 exam down, 2 more to go. I'm gonna make it. Hope you all enjoyed looking into my sporadic brain for a moment. Good luck to those still going full force into finals week. See ya'll on the flip side!

Just recently picked up the word "ya'll". Why? I don't know.

Bye.

xo, Tatum

I Donated My Eggs, and Now I Know What Being Pregnant is Like

Story time! It's a long-ish one, but if you're curious, read on.

I forget sometimes how strange it is to others to hear, not only that I donated my eggs, but I gave them to someone I know. I donated with the potential of getting to see a baby that is half me be raised by someone I know.

Mind=blown! Crazy right?

So in the spring of 2013 I was sitting in my shitty dorm-like apartment with my roommate in Hawaii (Was it Jennifer or Kathryn? Cant remember but I miss you both terribly). I got a phone call from my dad. He said he couldn't remember if I remembered his friend Shane from playing softball back in the day, but Shane's wife, Meredith had discovered she cannot get pregnant on her own. Even with help from doctors removing her eggs, fertilizing them in a petri dish, and putting them back in her, nothing works. So my dad asked if I would be willing to donate some of MY eggs to Shane and Meredith so they could try to get pregnant.

I still to this day do not know why they chose me. Why they wanted a child with half my genes is beyond me. (I used to joke with Meredith about raising Satan's spawn if she got prego with my eggs). So for one reason or another, they decided to bypass all my family history health issues (you're supposed to be basically genetically PERFECT for generations upon generations to donate eggs) and we started the process that week.

I had only spoken to Meredith on the phone. She was in Arizona arranging doctor visits and ultrasounds to be done half in Hawaii, and eventually the other half would be done in Arizona. We texted and called every single day. She became my instant best friend. When we weren't talking about my doc appts and my medicines we were talking about school or boys or her kids (she has two beautiful adopted children already) and things were moving along.

Quick run down of the process: [[vaginal]] Ultrasounds (sorry, awkward) and blood work pretty much every other week, then every week, then every other day, then every day. The insides of my elbows have seen more needles than they ever cared to. They saw more nurses who didn't know how to draw blood than they ever cared to as well. About 7 different old dudes saw everything I've got. I always wondered how strange it must be for pregnant women to just spread 'em every time the doc needs to check everything. Now I know... you just get used to it and get over it. I injected myself with fertility drugs every day. 3 shots to the belly. (Diabetics, props for doing that shit your whole life. After a few months my tummy was so tender).

The drugs put my ovaries on overdrive, mass producing eggs and then holding them there so they could be removed later. Started everything in April. By removal date in July I had over 50 eggs on my ovaries (for those that don't know, we normally produce 1 a month) I had 50+. My ovaries were HUGE. I felt like I was pregnant. My belly was swollen due to my enlarged ovaries. I gained weight, my boobs were sore, I was hormonal and emotional (like cry over nothing all the time emotional). I ate constantly. And I talked to my eggies. I talked to my little potential babies and told them Meredith needed them, that she would be their mama, that they would have a big brother and sister, and that I would be their auntie and watch them grow up in an incredible family and that's why I needed them to work.

I'm a firm believer in spreading positivity to get positive results. If I was positive about my eggs working for Meredith, then they would work. I felt so good about the whole process. The doctors were super positive, they said I was a PERFECT donor, I was so fertile (weird to say, huh?) this would definitely work with so many eggs. Meredith could try over and over and over again. We could freeze all the eggs that survived (not all of them do) and she could just have an egg reserve basically for when she wanted to try and get pregnant.

So they flew me home to Arizona in July for the actual procedure. They were checking me every single day, drawing blood and checking my hormone levels daily, making plans for removal day. When the doctors in Arizona realized how fertile I was, they decided it would be too dangerous to use the "trigger" drug they use on most donors. (The medicine that releases the eggs from the walls of the sack they chill in so they can suck the eggs out of the sacks). If I used the regular trigger it could result in hyperactive (I think) ovaries, and I could damage them so bad I wouldn't be able to have my own children later in life. Soooo they decided they would use a different trigger that was safer for me, but not as affective as the regular one.

Removal day arrived. I geared up in my hospital gown to be put under anesthesia.

Because I am hilarious, I was messing with the anesthesiologist the whole time they were prepping me. He was so cute and I looked like ^^^that. I know LOL forever.  I was laying on a table with my arms wrapped in sheets so they wouldn't fall off the bed when I was knocked out and my legs in stirrups and a cute dude about to put me to sleep. He was putting the heart monitors on my chest and I told him to please not touch my boobs because they were sore. He's like, "uhhhh... I'm not going to touch them." I told him and PLEASE don't touch my nipples, they are sore too. He's laughing now, "uhhh ok I'll try to refrain." I am sooo funny and embarrassing. (: The anesthesia started hitting me and I'm saying, "Here I goooo. I'm fading away. I'm gonna fall asleep soon. Byyyye." (not because I was loopy, just because I think I'm funny).

ANYWAYS.

So I woke up with Meredith and my sister next to my bed. I asked my nurse who I'd been working with from day 1 how many eggs they were able to get and she told me I would have to ask the doctor. Meredith was pulled into his office to be told how many eggs there were and where we would go from there. I was told from the side of my bed. The "safer" trigger did not work so well, they only retrieved NINE of the 50+ eggs I had produced. They knew it was a possibility, but I was such a good candidate they thought for sure they could get more than 9.

I cried for the rest of the day. My sister drove me home, we cried together on the way home. I cried to my mom when we got there. I felt like the biggest failure on the planet. Shane and Meredith were counting on me to give them the baby they'd been dying for and I could only give them 9 eggs. They assured me over and over that it wasn't my fault. But in that situation, you can't help but feel guilty. All of that could now be for nothing.

Days went by and we were informed that 3 out of the 9 eggs survived. Just 3 eggs could be fertilized and put inside Meredith. Hey, 3 is better than 0! So Shane went in and did his thing (hahahah) they fertilized the eggs, froze 1, and put 2 in Meredith. (Situations like these often times result in multiple pregnancies, twins, triplets, etc. So she was only allowed 2 at a time to be safe in the event of twins).

Two weeks later she took a pregnancy test.

Negative.

I cried again. Meredith cried. I was depressed and I think she was too. It felt like such a waste of time. I felt so bad that they had chosen me, flew me all the way from Hawaii to take MY eggs, and nothing. The money they spent on the process crushed me. I felt I didn't deserve the compensation I was given for my time. (None of your business how much it was, sorry). It was the worst feeling I've ever felt. I wanted to give them a baby so incredibly bad. Meredith wanted a baby more than anything. It sucked. It still sucks. As time goes on I think about the 1 1/2 year old baby they should have with my freckles and my long eyelashes.

I can't even begin to explain to anyone still reading this how much Meredith deserves the baby she wants. I don't even want kids! If I could give her every single egg I have I would. I often think about surrogacy. It isn't even legal in most states these days. It's extremely difficult. Carrying a child, giving birth to him or her, and handing them over to someone else. But I truly think, for Meredith, I would do it.

I still pray to whoever is up there that someday she will change her mind and try getting pregnant with my very last frozen egg. I have the strongest feeling that little egg could be the one. I try super hard to understand why it's too difficult for her mentally and emotionally. The thought of yet another disappointment is too much, therefore the egg remains frozen. (It reminds me of Finding Nemo) He survived, I think my little Nemo egg would too.

If I ever get to a really good place in my life, I think I would carry that egg for her. (scary thought)

BUT. At the end of the day, baby or no baby. Egg or no egg. Pregnant or not. Meredith is such a blessing to my life. For some reason or another, we were brought together as donor and receiver... and made it into a beautiful friendship I am so incredibly thankful for. I'm still working on convincing her to try my Nemo egg. (Will get back to you on that one). She's still texting me weekly asking how I'm doing in school and if I've met any new boys to crush on.

Good things are coming soon. I can feel it. And Meredith, I'll never ever stop being sorry I couldn't give you more eggs. And I'll never stop trying to convince you to try again. And I'll never stop being your friend, even if you decide not to.

So that's my story! Donating my eggs changed my life. My perspective on pregnancy, adoption, abortion, babies, and everything has completely changed. It was definitely a learning experience. And it's hard. To anyone considering it... I can't stress enough how mentally and emotionally prepared you really should be. Even though I talked to psychologists and doctors before starting everything and they approved that I was mentally ready for this. It's hard no matter what.

Onward and upward! (Is that even a saying?)

Love you forever Meredith.

And if anyone has any questions, feel free to ask! I'm super open about the whole experience and I don't mind talking about it with anyone.

To anyone STILL reading. I'm sorry it's a novel. But you can't fit something like this into a few words.

And if you'd like to help us out, check this out:
gofundme.com/iodgts

xo, Tatum

Why I'll Never Need Therapy

This is dedicated to all the people who put up with me on a day to day basis. 

I don't cry. No really. I never do. This week more people have seen me cry than I ever wanted to. (I sincerely apologize that I cannot control my raging emotions at the moment guys). But it made me realize that even though I am 3000 miles from my family, I am surrounded by family. People I am comfortable letting go around. And it feels so good.

Let me introduce you to my Tropics family. What started out as a huge struggle; making friends with people who had known each other forever, learning a new skill I struggled with daily, fitting into an environment I was so uncomfortable in. It took time. But now I can't imagine my life without my coworkers.

I sit at my bar laughing with these people until the sun comes up. I recently started crying at that bar until the sun comes up as well. And I am overwhelmed with love every time I have a breakdown. Hugs and jokes and words of advice. I could spend hours on end with my Tropics fam, working hard and hardly working. (Sacarra, we're best at hardly working eh?)

8 hour shifts turn into 5 more hours of playing, drinking, laughing, and bonding. If we were allowed to move our beds in there.... we would say F that and never do it (that almost went too far). But really. We live there.

And don't even get me started on Jenifer. My sweet sweet best friend Jenifer Mai. She knows my ins and outs. She knows what I'm thinking before I even say a word. Our laughs and adventures and moments together on this island have made Hawaii feel like my true home. I love her to the moon a million times over and I could never express enough how grateful I am that she took care of me on one very bad, pukey night and became my instant best friend. 

Patron, you are no longer my friend, but you brought me to Jen and for that I love you. 

Kailey. My darling Kailey who has been through SO MUCH. Much more than I will ever know or understand and still goes out of her way to drop her problems and help me through mine. We talk on the phone 5 times a week. If we go one whole day without a text message we make up for it with 400 more the next day. When we are together we terrorize the world. (Beware Oahu: December 30th). She is the truest friend and wildest human being.

Shout out to craigslist for giving me three non-axe murderer roommates. Remember I said I think every person on the planet is a murderer? I moved into a house with people I never met in my life. And hey! Turns out they are my soul mates. I don't even have to leave my house or put pants on. I can just go snuggle up to one of these three psycho girls and next thing you know the four of us are spooning watching Vampire Diaries and talking the whole time and not listening to the show (mostly Monet). Craigslist, I appreciate you. Monet, Miranda, and Corisa are the best friends a girl could ever find on the internet.

Last, but not least. My heart, my soul, my other half, my sweet baby sister, Hannah. To be so far away from her is the hardest thing I deal with on a daily basis. She is more sarcastic, witty, funny, smart, and awesome than I will ever be. She has my back 24/7 and I would absolutely die if I ever had to live in a world where she doesn't exist. Her sassy attitude makes me the proudest sister on the planet and I cannot wait to reunite and gang up on my sweet, precious mommy together. (Sorry forever mom).

There are so many more people in my life that I love and appreciate, I couldn't ever fit them all in here. They are the best support system, the best at peer pressure, the best at advice, the best friends and home-away-from-home family I could ever ask for.

They love me for the stupid idiot I am. They accept me (unlike some people cough cough ex boyfriend) for the immature child I love to be. And they talk shit about said boyfriend with me to make me feel better about being single as f*** again.

Thank you for always being there for me even when I'm being an asshole. Thanks for putting up with my attitude. And thanks for encouraging me to blog about my stupid feelings that I have forever struggled with dealing with on my own. 

Who needs therapy when I have these guys?

xo, Tatum