An Open Letter To Caitlyn Jenner Haters

Dear Misunderstood,

Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as Bruce Jenner, won Glamour Magazine's Woman of the Year award. You're upset. Caitlyn was a man for over 65 years. She didn't get her period in 7th grade during gym class. She didn't have those awkward years of stuffing her training bra before puberty kicked in. She never carried the weight of a child growing inside her. She never had the responsibility of birthing that child. She never fought breast cancer, enduring months upon months of chemo and radiation. She never joined the army and she never saved lives over seas. So you're upset that she received this award anyway.

You're misunderstood though. You don't understand her. You don't understand the agony she's endured her entire life on the inside. You don't understand the never-completely-satisfied taste in her mouth even after winning olympic medals in the men's olympics.

You see a man dressing in women's clothing on the cover of magazines, winning awards created for women. It's confusing, it's difficult to understand, and it's very hard to be supportive of. There are women enduring hardships all over the world. There are women saving lives all over the world. There are women who are seemingly more deserving of this award than Ms. Jenner. And I'm so sorry that you can't understand how wrong you are.

While I agree there are hundreds of thousands of brave women out there, extremely deserving of an award for the things they've done and the misfortune they've been through, I'm afraid I can't agree that this does not include Caitlyn Jenner.

I'm sorry you've never had to live your entire life wondering why you were given the wrong body. I'm sorry you've never been so under pressure to fit society's mold of what you're supposed to be that you couldn't be yourself for your entire life. I'm sorry you never had to tell your family on national TV that you were going to transition into a woman and hope that they still accept you as their family member. I'm sorry you've never been in the public eye, forced to listen to the scrutiny because of your choices. I'm sorry you've never made the decision to be truly happy, only to receive backlash from millions of people who don't understand you. I'm sorry you've never been anything besides exactly what society says you should be. Because you've never had to do any of these things, you now cannot understand why Caitlyn Jenner deserves an award.

You can't see how her choice to be her true self in front of the entire world is courageous. You can't see her as a role model because you don't understand those that look up to her. You can't agree that she should be a woman of the year because she didn't get to be a woman for her first 65 years on Earth.

However, your persecution only makes her more deserving. She walks with her head high, even when you try with everything you're made of to beat her down. She stands by her decision to show her true colors, even when you disagree. She is a voice for all who struggle with their identity, even when you try to keep her quiet.

I did some research for you, to at least try to help you understand. Almost half of the world's transgender population attempts suicide. That's 41% of people who attempt to live their life the way they feel it was meant to be lived, and then attempt to end their life because they are never accepted.

Society is an unacknowledged war zone. Acceptance is a luxury many never get the chance to enjoy.  Acceptance is the unspoken goal of virtually all humans. We strive to fit into the cookie cutter shapes that our own society has created. A man who provides, a woman who cares for her children, a man who is masculine, a woman who is feminine. The shapes are constantly changing and evolving. We now have strong women who do men's jobs and loving men who stay at home with the kids. But we are still, always trying to fit. When we don't fit, it's hard to gain acceptance. When we aren't accepted we feel alone. When we feel alone we crave affection. When we can't get any, we feel hopeless.

Caitlyn is someone who stands up for what they believe in. Someone who helps others who struggle to fit in to society. Someone who tolerates your ignorance in hopes that someday, people like her will finally be recognized as normal. She lives in a world full of people fighting against her, to fight for those who understand her.

I'm sorry that you can't see her as a hero. I'm sorry you can't agree that she deserves the award she received. I'm sorry you can't put her in the same category as a woman who saved lives over seas just because we can't put a number on the lives she has saved by telling them it's ok to be themselves.

I hope someday you have a change of heart. I hope someday, even if you don't have a  change of heart, that you don't feel it necessary to say unkind things about Caitlyn Jenner in an attempt to bring her down. I hope someday you can understand why she's awesome.

Sincerely,
Open Mind

Making 24 My Bitch

(Sorry mom).

I reread my first blog ever that I wrote almost one year ago and it's time to reflect. I was all about being 23. I had big plans for what that age would hold. College graduation was on the horizon, I was freshly dumped by a boyfriend, I had skeleton plans to go on a trip with my best friend, and I was stoked to just be blissfully lost and confused about life.

http://connectedtothemoon.blogspot.com/2014/12/so-we-just-write-down-our-feelings.html

(^for reference if interested in freshly 23 year old me)

24 is one week away, it's 5:22am on a Sunday. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. It's the perfect time to review 23 and spit some newly found wisdom on you Facebook friends of mine. Feel free to exit now.

Surprise, I graduated college. Top 5 best days of my life. I'm proud to have a degree and even more relieved that I never have to see another midterm ever again. Life can get quite boring without school, I must say. I've gone to school consistently since I was 3 years old. One year ago I was terrified of what these days would be like. Turns out they're pretty casual. I have free time! What is that? Word of advice to those that are almost to the end but feel like it will never come... It will. Full speed. Don't rush it. Don't dread it. Definitely don't give up. It seems impossible now but walking the stage is too rewarding and having a degree is too big of a prize to give up when you're almost finished. (Sisters, that means you).

I chopped off all my hair right before I turned 23, then I shaved the side of my head. Now I'm going on 24, rocking ponytails on the daily trying to survive this awkward length. Bobby pins are my best friend. Growing your hair out takes much longer than hacking it off. Patience is evidently a virtue. I wouldn't know.

I had barely breathed the words "let's go to Japan" one year ago. Surprise again! I made it happen. With many tears, a lot of giving up, a handful of fights with my bff, even more phone calls to my mom asking for advice, and one vodka bottle full of tip money later, I now have the most incredible memories of my trip to Japan under my belt and all over my Facebook feed. Seriously people, travel the world. It's worth more than any tangible thing you could ever own. I'm just getting started, but Thailand is on the calendar.

I got dumped at 23. I felt what a broken heart feels like. I felt loss. I felt like I would be alone forever. (Dramatic as always). Luckily, while still 23, I found someone new. I fell in love all over again. It's scary. 'Scary' is actually too rudimentary of a word to truly describe it. How do you open your heart to someone when you just finished piecing it back together? That I don't know the answer to. I'm still opening it, slowly but surely. It becomes easier when your other continually proves to be one half of your whole. He's the overthinker to my mindlessness. He's the planner to my flying by the seat of my pants. He's the voice of reason to my indecisiveness. He's the responsibility to my immaturity. He's the fun and carefree to my stress. He's the adventure to my stay at home and veg all day. He's perfectly opposite and the same all at once.

Is anyone gagging yet? See how much can change in a year? That paragraph above is so not like me, but so real, too.

I am the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding back home, coming up in just one short month. An engagement that was still non-existent one year ago. Planning a wedding is hard, people. I'll tell you what my most successful job has been through it all so far... Giving my opinion. Like damn I am good at not holding back. You're welcome, Lindsay for not letting you have anything ugly at your wedding and helping you make decisions when you couldn't quite get there. You're also welcome for cutting out 3 million mustaches.

All through 23 I contemplated the importance of keeping friends you don't necessarily want in your life anymore. 24 seems like a good year to reevaluate relationships and cut ties with those who don't constantly help you grow and improve as a person. What is a friendship if it's out of pure obligation anyway?  I also need to reevaluate the grudges I've been holding. There's nothing more unhealthy than a grudge, and I have many. Forgiving and letting go is something I'm still working on. 24, we got this.

Other small but big things that happened during 23: I got a bunny. She ran away. I moved. I bought my first car. I explored another Hawaiian island. I surprised my family for Christmas. I got like five new jobs. I fed a monkey. I swam with dolphins. I saw Incubus, Kings of Leon, Tech N9ne, and Chris D'elia live. I learned to never lend someone money with expectations to get it back. 

A year ago I was so content with where I was, who I was, and where I was going (which was nowhere). With 24 right around the corner, I am exceedingly anxious to make a change. To move forward. To grow up a tiny bit (not too much). A big girl job seems slightly more appealing the closer I get to what could be considered a 'big girl'. Making plans doesn't seem like such a bad idea. Saving money seems more important. My perspective is evolving daily.

23 was a roller coaster. I'm wild and I'm not sure if I'll ever calm down.

24 will, without a doubt, be an equally as windy, bumpy, crazy roller coaster as well. I'm not 100% ready to burry my immature, party, carefree self.

The difference between 23 and 24 for me is I had my hand on the e-brake all through 23, just in case. This year, I am welcoming whatever life has to offer me with open arms. Why resist what's meant to be? I'm going to make 24 my bitch, and then I'm going to reduce the amount of swearing I do in my blogs. (You're welcome, mom).

I'm ready to make moves. I'm more than ready to put 23 behind me.

Here's to yet another year of new beginnings, new adventures, new mistakes, and new memories.

Also, here's to a boring age that doesn't even have a song with "24"in it. I was on a roll the last two years with "22" and "23." Thanks T. Swift and Miley.

xo, Tay

When Life Hands You Lemons

Squeeze it in your vodka soda and drink up!

Seriously, this has been the longest week of my life, and it's only Wednesday.

Saturday night, I was laying on the beach at 2am, decompressing and destressing. I picked up 3 new jobs, moved into a new house, got into a new relationship, and completely ran out of 'me' time. A 2am beach sesh was completely necessary for my sanity. After watching huge bolts of lightning rip through the clouds over Oahu for 2 hours, I went back to my car and found myself standing in a pile of broken glass.

It took me a moment to register what was happening. I was looking through my passenger window at my open glove compartment. Only I wasn't looking through my window, I was standing on it shattered in the street. My open glove box was one wallet short. And after a few infinite seconds, I realized someone had busted my window and stole all my shit. Then I was raging.

Why did I leave my wallet in the car? Why was my $300 Marc Jacobs purse sitting out in plain sight? Why did I basically say, "hey desperate asshole, here's all my stuff, I'll be on the beach, be back later!"???? WHY WHY WHY. Why me? Why my car? Why now?

I've run out of "why" questions to ask myself. I've run out of "why" questions to ask the universe. And I've finally started seeing this situation for what it really is.

A test.

Universe, I'm going to crush this, hope you're paying close attention.

While I was busy crying over my lost possessions I failed to see how lucky I truly was. For some insane reason, I deposited almost $500 cash into my bank account that had been building up in my wallet the morning of my break in. I was in the grocery store that morning grabbing food for breakfast, already running late to meet new boyfriend who was waiting for these ingredients to feed me. My bank happened to be inside the store and I was feeling lazy and somewhat rushed so I thought to myself I would just leave and deposit my cash later. But something made me run up to the counter and just stick it in my account real quick anyway.

Then that night my wallet was stolen with only $50 inside it, rather than $500. Thank you to whatever force of nature pushed me to put my money in the bank.

Yes, it cost me $260 to replace my window. Yes, my favorite, most expensive purse that was a gift from my best friend is now gone. Yes, I had to go stand in line at the DMV to replace my license. Yes, I've been living off whatever cash I made this weekend because I had to cancel all of my debit cards. And yes, I am going to be okay. 

I already cried. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I complained for days about how frustrated I am that I have to deal with this, just as I was settling in and reveling in my own happiness. Bottom line, it sucks. It's a huge set back financially. It's an inconvenience to replace all my lost shit. I'm going to Japan in 3 weeks and I had to spend money on my car instead of save it for my trip. Ok I'll get to the point... vent sesh over.

It could have been worse. And I can handle this. I suppose I was so happy with life at the moment, it felt like one small negative thing was crushing me into a million pieces. The negative energy I was receiving was being put right back into the air around me with my constant complaining. It's been hanging over me like a dark rain cloud.

That brings me to my blog. My beloved online journal where I pour my heart out. The place I've been too busy to visit recently. The place I used to use to connect with my internet friends. I feel like I've shared a lot of negative stories and rants on my blog. Here's another for the books. But I'm truly trying to look at this one in a different light. 

The damn glass is half full, people. If you're looking at your own half empty glass, knock it off. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps. You know the clichés. 

A good friend told me to look at each situation on a whole timeline of your life from birth to death. Is my car being robbed a huge set back in my life timeline, or is it just a speed bump along the way? A few months from now I won't even hardly remember this happened. Definitely a speed bump. And me and my busted car are going to cruise right on over it.

I Like People From High School Better Now Than I Did In High School

Ten year reunions were once a time for old friends and classmates to gather from around the state, country, or even world. A time for old friends and classmates to show off their wives, show off their kids, lie about their jobs, lie about their divorces. Recently however, reunions have lost their glitz and glam. The generation before us has seemed to grow evermore disappointed in our dedication to stalking people's lives on the internet. What's the fun in going to your high school reunion if you already saw John Smith's wedding, pregnancy, child birth, and child's first 5 birthdays on Facebook?

Well maybe Facebook has taken the fun out of reunions. Maybe I already know who got married and who has kids and who works at a dead end job and who vacationed in Africa. I thought it was pretty un-fun at first to see everyone's lives unfolding before me on my computer screen. I thought it took the surprise out of my future reunion to already know what my graduating class was up to. (I think about my high school reunion because it means I'm getting older and we all know the mental breakdowns I have over that). But I learned something else about the lovely internet machine. Old classmates can quickly become new friends.

I've drifted apart from 90% of my friends from high school. I mean I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. That doesn't exactly scream "let's stay in touch." Facebook allowed me to like a status here and there, see where my old friends moved to, see everyone's big shiny engagement rings and chubby new babies. It also allowed me to see all the weird names my old classmates are coming up with for their offspring. They get weirder by the day. It's not a competition guys, your kid will never find a keychain with their name on it. Take it from someone who knows, that is devastating when you're 6.

My blog posts, however silly, serious, or stupid they may be, have gotten some unexpected praise from old high school mates. Profile pictures have earned likes from people I wasn't aware knew I existed. Let's be real, I didn't consider myself exactly "popular" in high school. I like to think my decently cool place of residence has earned me the few extra eyes on my Facebook page. For whatever reason though, I've befriended (in the best way you can through nothing but a computer) some people I've known for over ten years but never really knew. 

Through a hilarious status about their job as a server I can see how I missed out on a great sense of humor back then. (I can also relate to the nightmares of the service industry). Through a status about the stresses of final exams I can see that I am not alone in pulling my hair out with worry and probably never was. And with a comment or two exchanged on these amusing Facebook statuses I begin to see someone I could probably be great friends with had I not moved so far away. In high school, we all found our cliques. That's not to say I didn't chat with these people in class or say hi at football games or drink with them at house parties. But I never really knew them for who they were. And it's probably a good thing we didn't truly know who each other was in high school because I was a strange person when I was 16. Just all around weird and immature (as we all were), striving to fit in any possible way I could.

Now I can look into these people's adult lives. See how we have grown to be similar without ever speaking. See how those I was closest to have grown to be so different than me. My views and beliefs have changed so much since entering my 20s. They are at the far end of the spectrum from some of my best friends even. To see people I barely know anymore reach out to me and tell me they feel the same, tell me they had a wedding dress that showed all their tattoos, tell me they are moving away from their home of 20+ years too, tell me they are clueless about what to do with their college degree like me. For lack of a better term, that's cool.

People I assumed to have barely graduated high school are now chemistry majors or in nursing school or graduating with an engineering degree. (See what happens when you assume? Sorry guys). People I thought would be stuck in their high school days, reliving their peak years until the end of time, are happily married to the love of their lives, in the best shape of their lives, or working at the career of their dreams. I mean can I just stop judging and assuming now? I'm clearly way off. Facebook is a place full of inspiration. It's full of advice. It's full of people who know how we feel. It's full of old friends who, in the simplest way, can become new friends. 

I've learned to appreciate Facebook for all of its perks. I was able to raise money for a friend in need through it, as others are currently doing too. I learned that I might be decent at writing and that people enjoy reading what I have to say. I learned that 100 'Happy Birthday' posts can actually feel pretty good. So no, I won't be very surprised to hear all the last name changes at my high school reunion. I won't even be surprised to see some of my old teachers because I'm friends with them on Facebook too. I'll already know how old everyone's kids are. I'll already know who's a nurse and who's divorced and who's no longer living in Arizona. 

Guess what parents. We're going to come together and hangout with our Facebook friends in the flesh. We're going to hug people we could only virtually touch before. We're going to show up, ready to face our old classmates as an open book. Can't lie about your fake fancy job when I already saw its nonexistence on the internet. Our reunions will be honest. They will be different. They are just like everything else of our generation. They are progressing. Old traditions are fun but you have to spice them up sometime. Change is not the end of the world. Facebook is not the end of the world either.

I appreciate the tiny friendships I've made through Facebook. I love the quirky comments on my statuses and the countless people who ask how Hawaii is and when they can come visit. We may not have wreaked havoc on Mountain Ridge High School together but we can laugh about our shitty jobs and cry about our final exams together now and still feel like we're kind of actually friends.

Maybe if I keep going at the rate I am now I'll be able to find a date to my best friend's wedding through the internet too.

Thanks Facebook friends for reading, liking, and supporting my silly blogs. You keep it alive.

xo Tatum

Will This Matter In Five Years?

As I approach the ripe age of 23 and a half (April 11th is my half birthday) I am slowly but surely disintegrating into a pile of worry, stress, loneliness, back pain, and wonder. Wonder of what the hell my future holds. I am constantly reminded of how quickly time is flying by. No, I am not that asshole that celebrates her half birthdays. I'm just growing up. Fast. Seven weeks until my college graduation. Twelve days until I'm closer to 24 than 23. Two and a half years until I can no longer depend on my parents to provide me with health insurance. Nine months until (who thinks I'm going to say "my baby is born"?) my Arizona drivers license will no longer be valid at airport security. (Look it up. You're probably screwed too.) I have to go retake my driver's test to get a Hawaii license. How many feet away do you have to be from emergency vehicles? I DON'T KNOW.

When did I grow up and what did the universe do with my childhood?

When did five year olds start getting iPads for Christmas instead of bikes? Where was I when my entire high school class got engaged, pregnant, married, or divorced? Are we adults now?

Anyone who knows me knows all too well how obsessed I am with growing up and getting old and what it means to be 23 and a half.

I can tell I'm growing up because I am starting to make real live adult decisions and mature changes to my attitude. I sulked for the last couple months in my room for no real reason. I disappeared. I thought if I hid in my room, adulthood would just pause for a moment while I figured my life out. Then I came back to Earth and decided I want to buy a car and stop letting shit get to me. Two completely unrelated adult decisions.

Spoiler alert: this is not going to end the same way my first ever blog post ended. I am not going to say "the unknown future is so exciting and who cares what I do? I will figure it out while I enjoy being young and carefree."

Those days are over. Hello! Graduating college in SEVEN WEEKS. My carefree 23 year old days are gone. I am 23 and a half now and it's time for a reality check. I am terrified of my future. I have student loans up the wahzoo. I have zero plans for a career. I live in a small house for way too much money with three other girls who have tons of time left to figure their shit out. I'm cluelessly trying to buy a car off craiglist from some shady-probably-meth-dealer old lady who looks sweet and innocent but is going to sell me a lemon for every penny I'm worth. I am definitely not carefree and 23. I am full of cares. And premature stress.

Let's get to the point. I'm ranting.

In an attempt to weed out the useless stress, I want to test out this "ask yourself if this will matter in five years" strategy. (I'll get back to you on how well that works. I'm trying to grow out my hair, so with all this stress reduction I should have a mane by Thanksgiving). When I look back on 18 year old me, I can't think of one thing that happened that still matters to me in the slightest. This shit is full proof, I can tell.

(Sorry mom, I haven't blogged in a while. I'm wild with excitement, I can't control my sailor mouth).

Also, does the period go inside or outside of the parenthesis? Things I need to know as I enter the real world.

Here are some things that really make me homicidal and/or stressed beyond belief that I will try out this five years approach on real quick:

Will it matter in five years that a guy at my table ripped his coaster into tiny tiny pieces and spread them all over the table for me to clean up later? Doubt it.

Will it matter in five years that the girl in my sociology class laughs too loudly for one hour and fifteen minutes every Tuesday and Thursday at shit she's looking at on her computer? Mmmm, nah.

Will it matter in five years that my roommate left the shower curtain open yesterday? Not at all.

Will it matter in five years that I had to drive my moped to work in the rain? Negative.

Will it matter in five years that the bartender made fun of me for not knowing what a lime wheel was when I first started working at this bar? Nope.

Will it matter in five years that my coworker said my jacket is ugly? Do not care.

Will it matter in five years that I am extremely single and haven't been told I'm pretty by anyone other than drunk old men who ask me for double Johnny Walker Blacks on the rocks for the seventh time in an hour at my bar? Eh, hopefully future-blissfully-in-love-me won't remember that. Will report back when I'm 28 and either in love or still single as f***.

Will it matter in five years that some of my friends thought I wrote a blog post about my sexual abuse to get attention? They probably won't be my friends in five years anyway. Whatever.

It would appear that a lot of my stress stems from my job. As does most humans' stress. I'm working on just getting over it that I got a day shift instead of the more desired night shift this Friday. I'm getting over the fact that my friend has to study for our exam with me in secret because his immature girlfriend sees me as a threat. I'm getting over the fact that my dad doesn't call to say hi as often as I would like. I'm getting over the fact that I don't have extravagant plans for my future like some people my age do. (That one is taking a lot longer to get over). I'm definitely not over not knowing if the period goes inside or outside of the parenthesis.

But in five years, I will be a completely different person, probably still referring to myself as an asshole and probably with the same back pain, but different nonetheless. I'll look back on this time when I was melting into a puddle of tears and worry over graduating college and laugh at myself and how grown up I thought I was.

Then I will make a new list of shit that irritates me and start asking myself if 33-year-old me will still be bothered by it. (Okay 33-year-old me is not a me I want to picture at this time of turmoil. Scary).


xo Tatum

Abuse Is Abuse

I feel nauseous as I type this. However, since it's honesty hour (12:37PM. Yepp, definitely honesty hour) I feel like it's time to pour out my feelings about this particular experience.

It's been about a year and a half since this happened to me. I'm over it, I'm okay, I'm happy. So please, if you finish reading this wondering if I'm okay, I am.

I was sexually abused.

Yeah, that feels super not okay to say, to type, to think, to feel.

Someone (who I least expected) violated me and it disgusts me on so many levels I can never begin to describe them. I was not raped. I was not physically hurt. I was not abused in the way many of you are probably thinking. But I was abused.

Go back to title: Abuse Is Abuse

I am currently enrolled in a women's studies class that covers every single aspect of men and women sexuality that I could ever imagine going over in a formal educational setting. This past week we've been discussing sexual abuse, and I have been fighting back unbelievable feelings and tears each day that we review what sexual abuse entails. Every day we talk about it, every power point slide we go over, I can say part or all of it applies to me.

This is my story. This is how it made me feel. This is how I feel about it now.

I felt the moment it happened that I was violated, abused, taken advantage of, whatever. Now that I am being formally educated about it, I know this to be true. Any form of sexual or physical contact that happens without consent is considered abuse. And with that being said, I was abused. (I think I've said it enough times now that we all get the point)

So.

One night, a friend of mine decided he and I would have a low-key, fun night at home. We made some white russians (that's an alcoholic beverage made with booze and milk for those who aren't aware) and hung out in my room talking and laughing and having a good time. My roommates got home (a couple who lived in the master bedroom of my house together) and the girl, who was a friend, went to bed while her boyfriend decided to hangout with my friend and I in my room for while. We continued making white russians and having a good time.

You can imagine milk doesn't mix well with alcohol.

I felt sick, so I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I was drunk.

I was throwing up, feeling awful, trying to power through the unease I felt in my stomach. I was in my own bathroom, in my own house. My roommate (the guy who lived in the master bedroom with my other roommate, his girlfriend) came in the bathroom and asked if I was okay.

I vividly remember resting my arm on the edge of the toilet and my forehead was resting on that arm. I heard my roommate enter and ask if I was alright and immediately heard the bathroom door close and lock with the finish of that question. I remember lifting my head just enough to see him walk towards me and sit down next to me, draping his arm over my shoulders. My heavy head dropped back onto my forearm and I instantly felt my roommate put his hand on my thigh. I was sitting criss cross in front of the toilet, drunk and vulnerable, hardly able to move, just waiting for my sickness to pass. My roommate asked "Tatum are you okay?" as he slipped his index and middle finger up my shorts and past my underwear, into my vagina.

At that moment I remember snapping my head up so fast. I reached for the towel rack and grabbed on to lift myself up. I pulled my entire body weight up, pulling on that towel rack, asking him "what are you doing?!?!" The towel tack tore off the wall, I stumbled around, squeezing between the bathtub, the toilet, and my disgusting roommate. I yanked on the doorknob which was, in fact, locked. Once I got out of the bathroom I ran into my room and dropped to my knees on my bedroom floor, sobbing. My friend was so confused. I learned later that he heard some sort of commotion in the bathroom. But how could he have possibly known what was going on? All I could do was cry hysterically while he held me, telling me it would be okay.

When I finally choked out, bit by bit, what had happened, he stroked my arm, telling me I was strong, I could get past this, and I was not the type of person to let this ruin me.

My roommate stood in my doorway and asked my friend why I was crying. I was so mind blown that he could act like nothing had happened. I remember my friend saying "I think it's time everyone just goes to bed." And my roommate went into his room and went to sleep next to his girlfriend.

I never knew until now how powerful my friend's words were.

That friend, and he knows who he is (if he is reading this) saved me. He saved me from letting some piece of shit break me down. He reminded me of the strong, independent, insanely hard-headed person I am immediately when I needed to be reminded.

And so I woke up the next morning and decided I would tell no one.

I had just moved in to this house that I found on craigslist. I didn't know the people who lived there very well. I was just getting to know them. I moved in June of 2013 and in July of that same year is when that creep came on to me.

Everyone in the house knew each other for years. The couple I shared a house with was two years deep in a relationship. I felt like if I expressed what he had done, no one would believe me. They didn't know me, they had no reason to trust me over him. And I was strong. Yeah. I convinced myself that all of this meant it was better to keep it all a secret.

Eight months later, that couple that I still shared a house with was on the rocks. They were fighting constantly, breaking up a couple times a week, and unhappy.

Fast forward a bit, I finally told my roommate, and now really good friend, what her boyfriend had done to me. I told her I was afraid to tell her before, that I never thought she would believe me, that I wasn't sure what her boyfriend would do if I told, and that I hoped she could understand the insane disgust that I felt from that violation.

Needless to say they broke up, she kicked him out of our home (thank goodness) and she stopped speaking to me, looking at me, or acknowledging that I existed at all.

My other roommates had learned what had happened. If I or my roommate told them first, I don't remember, but I do know they took my side and I was grateful. Well, two of them took my side. One of them said some awful things to me. (More on that later)

Throughout the next YEAR I fought with my roommate about what happened. She and her friends thought I had done something to deserve what happened to me. They said I must have been coming on to my roommate for him to think that was okay. I probably wasn't telling the truth. Something was going on that she was not aware of. She used her breakup as a crippling experience. She moped around, saying her life was in shambles because her boyfriend had "cheated on her" and her friend (me) had betrayed her. Imagine how SHE feels. Feel bad for HER. She's so depressed because she was going through a hard time.

Each time she threw it in my face, I tried to tell her I lived in a house with a guy who violated me without my permission, and begged her to see it from my perspective too, and all she could say was, "Tatum, you CHOSE not to tell anyone for all these months so it's not my fault you lived with him. I lost my boyfriend of two years. Feel bad for me."

She was supposed to be my friend. She made me feel like it was my fault that her boyfriend abused me. It was my fault I was living in a house with him. It was my fault her relationship ended. It was my fault because I kept it a secret.

She then turned that secret into a lie. I lied to her all those months. Pretending to be her best friend, never telling her what her boyfriend had done.

The 4th roommate found out about the experience through the one whose boyfriend it was. I will never know what the story was that she heard, but she told me it's sad that I would get drunk and let my friend's boyfriend touch me inappropriately. LET HIM. Like I let him do it to me.

I have never been so angry in my entire life. Even the eight months that I carried that experience with me I was not as angry as I was after I told my friends about it. They made me feel like I was dirty, a liar, stupid, whatever. Treated me like it was all my fault. And let me just say, I wasn't prancing around asking for sympathy. If I wanted that I could have asked for it right when it happened. I was trying to tell my friend what type of creep she was dating and save her from that awful relationship. Then I became the bad guy.

Here's where I want my experience to hopefully help someone who has been through something similar.

In my lectures about sexual abuse, my professor keeps stressing the importance of believing your friend when they tell you what happened. Do not judge them based on their experience. Many people have ideas about girls getting drunk and "asking for it" or dressing a certain way and "asking for it". No. I don't buy that. I was drunk, sure. But I was in my OWN home with people I thought were friends. Good people. Support your friend if they need it. You don't have to smother them, they may not need that kind of support. But calling them a liar or eliminating all sympathy for what they went through is a little much. (Even if you have those opinions, keep them to yourself). I cannot stress enough how much it helped me to have just 2 or 3 friends take my side completely and feel for me, believe me, support me, hug me.

And if this has happened to anyone reading this. It's okay to feel awful. But you don't have to let it define you. You don't have to let it break you. You don't have to listen to those who judge you, who tell you it's your fault, who don't believe you. It is never your fault if someone touches you without your permission. Drunk, not drunk, sleeping, awake, male, female, friends, not friends, boyfriend, girlfriend. Whatever. If you don't want your roommate to touch your vag then he doesn't get to.

Majority of the time, sexual abuse happens between people who know each other.

That's not to say you shouldn't trust anyone around you. But you don't have to go around thinking it's not that bad or it's not abuse or it's not hurtful just because a "friend" touched you in a way you did not want.

You also don't have to accept people minimizing what happened to you because "Well at least he didn't rape you. At least you didn't get hurt. At least you didn't get pregnant. At least it wasn't a stranger. It could have been worse."

Just because I was only touched for a second, doesn't mean it didn't disgust me. It doesn't mean I should get over it faster than someone who was abused much worse. It doesn't mean it shouldn't bother me as much as it does. I have spent all this time telling myself it isn't a big deal, I didn't let it destroy me so it must not have been that bad, I wasn't physically hurt so I suppose it could have been worse.

But emotionally, I was hurt. The things my so-called friends said to me crushed me. Someone I lived with came on to me when I was vulnerable and that hurt me just has much as a punch in the stomach. It's sickening the things that were said to me. And I know I am strong enough to get over those things. I am tough enough to get over my abuse and live my life, brushing off the awful thing that happened to me and brushing off the awful things that were said about it. I never showed how much my experience affected me. I acted much stronger on the outside than what I felt on the inside.

I've debated a lot since I started blogging whether or not to share this story. I've moved on and don't particularly love to recall all the overwhelming feelings of disgust that come with telling it. But I realized recently that there are probably plenty of people out there who have been through something like this. I can only hope that sharing this story reminds those people that even if they were not raped or hurt badly or something of that sort, what happened to them is not okay, it's not to be minimized or diminished because it could have been worse. Abuse is abuse and no matter what kind of abuse it is, it should never be tolerated. If anyone reading this WAS raped or physically hurt... share your story too! Sexual abuse is wrong on every single level.

I'm open to talking about my experience. I hope anyone and everyone feels free to share their thoughts with me about my situation or their own. And I want to stress the importance of telling your story. It's a huge part of healing. Share it with a friend. Share it with me. Write it down, even if it's not in a blog you share on the internet.

The most important thing is to heal.

xo Tatum

News Flash: College is pointless

And so is everything else in life.

Woah. What's the point of life? What's the point of anything? Why am I here? Why are you here?

Let's get weird.

I'm so glad I'm not a sociology major. I would just be in tears every day. Sociology classes were put into the education system to punch people in the face with reality about society. And not everyone is going to get that little bit of wisdom dropped in their ear. We can't let EVERYONE in on the secret. (I'm about to let all you people out there in on the secret so you don't have to take sociology classes to find out). All 200 of you that will read this blog. (We'll leave the rest of them in the dark).

It's already getting weird. Do you feel it?

My soc professor asked us to describe our dream home. Where will we be in 10 years? What state or country? How big is our house? How many Range Rovers do we want? Beach house? Guest house? Man cave? Mini bar? Wine cellar? Horses?

Then she's like, "Great! Plan on having none of that."

What?
*hopes and dreams crushed into a trillion pieces and fall to the floor of room 637 in Saunders Hall*

Today was the most inspired I've ever been from an adult. And in my years in Hawaii (as well as years before that) I've gotten a lot of inspirational talks from adults saying I can do anything I want, be anything I want, it's my life, love it, live it, blah blah blah. I have gotten motivated and inspired over and over again to chase my dreams (once I think of some dreams). Being told I will never be rich, I will never have a mansion, I will be drowning in debt from college forever in my tiny apartment with my crying babies and spaghetti-o's made me SO HAPPY.

Because it's real.

Ok not happy like yay I'm going to be broke forever and hate life yippee. But like appreciative happy that we weren't getting fed the same "you can do anything" bullshit. (sorry mom)(and grandma)

Student loan debt is at an all time high. People are taking on debt they will literally never be able to pay off in their lifetime. And degrees are getting more and more worthless. You couldn't get anywhere with a high school diploma. Then you couldn't get anywhere with a bachelors degree. Now you can't get anywhere with a masters degree. So we are going to school for longer and longer, accruing more and more debt, just to get lame jobs that won't pay them off. But hey, I can put

Love,
Dr. Tatum

on my letters because I will have a PhD. Fancy. Woo.

So what the actual eff yew see kay are we doing? (I am really heated right now, I want to drop F-bombs but I respect my mother too much to post that word on the internet so just imagine it's there and feel the passion) Why do millions of people go to college with the same idea that they are going to get a degree and get an excellent job and make loads of money when only 1% of the population is actually wealthy? How many of us millions are going to wedge ourselves into that 1%? I'll tell you. All the pretty ones who marry rich guys.





^ Advice for the rest of us.

College is literally just a way to pass time. (Like a large amount of time. 4+ years usually because finishing in 4 is bullshit too) (Please shut up all people who finished in 4. It's impossible and you're just not human). It's something for us twenty-something year olds to do to prolong the inevitable search for said lame job and start our lives.

Feel inspired yet?

On the up side, we are learning. I mean WHAT IS the point of life? In the grand scheme of things, we're born, we live, we die. So in the middle, during the living part, we just find shit to do. I chose going to college. And to be honest, I didn't even go to college for any particular reason. I changed my major a billion times. I've told people "I don't know what I want to do with my life" more times in college than in my entire life combined. At least when I was little I could say I'm going to be a dolphin trainer with full confidence and no hesitation. Now it's like, well I work at a pretty cool bar? That's stimulating my mind enough for now.  Can I just do that forever? I didn't go to college with any real goals besides to just graduate college. (May 2015 is coming in hot. Now what do I do?)

So with absolutely no real reason for life, why not just do shit that stimulates your mind while you're alive? Forget the unrealistic and unattainable "go to college, get a job, get rich" goals. Just go to college because it's something to do. Learn about things you are interested in. Learn about things you love. You'll probably never pay off all your loans before you die, your kids probably won't pay off theirs, and their kids won't be able to pay off theirs. But they will try. And they will be intelligent. And they will be happy!

Like hello! The meaning of life is BE HAPPY.

I just revealed it to you. Put it in your pocket and keep it forever.

College makes me happy. Sometimes it makes me quite sad, like during exam weeks. My job usually makes me pretty happy. My friends make me happy. My family makes me happy. My new roommate's puppy makes me really happy. Someday I'll find a new job that hopefully makes me happy. I'll make monthly payments for my student loans and I'll do it with a damn smile and a mouth full of spaghetti-o's and I'll call my mom constantly and tell her not to worry because I'm paying off my loans and she'll be happy and then that will in turn make me happy.

It's endless. I'm almost confusing myself. What is this even about?

The meaning of life. Oh yeah.

Like if you want to stare at your phone all day and play on instgram and candy crush and flappy bird and then watch hours of netflix after your phone dies and never go outside or read a book. DO IT. If you want to stimulate your mind in other ways like ride a bike or go hiking or run a marathon. Sweet. Lay in a tanning bed. Don't wear deodorant. Shave your head. Post 30 selfies on the internet. Whatever.

Want to go to college? Awesome. Don't want to? Cool. You'll probably end up having more money than me and my fancy bachelors degree anyway because I will be paying off my loans forever and you won't have any.

My parents are going to buy an ice cream truck. AN ICE.CREAM.TRUCK. And drive it around and sell ice cream to kids. That is (insert F word) cool. My mom takes zumba classes and dances her little booty off every week. They do shit because it makes them happy. I love my parents so much.

The real point of this is just so I can share with all of you how mind blown I was that my professor just hit us with such a straight forward message about how not rich we all will be and how not big our future home will be. She told us we are the first generation that is actually going to be worse off than our parents. Usually it evens out, but nope! Not us. We are going to be so broke.

So no, I don't know why I'm going to college aside from the fact that I love to learn. I don't know what I'm going to do after college but I do know I'm not going to be wealthy. I'm just going to strive to be happy instead. (That was already my plan, but now it just makes so much more sense).

You're welcome for sprinkling you with inspiration.

xo, Tatum