Wednesday, December 10, 2014

I Donated My Eggs, and Now I Know What Being Pregnant is Like

Story time! It's a long-ish one, but if you're curious, read on.

I forget sometimes how strange it is to others to hear, not only that I donated my eggs, but I gave them to someone I know. I donated with the potential of getting to see a baby that is half me be raised by someone I know.

Mind=blown! Crazy right?

So in the spring of 2013 I was sitting in my shitty dorm-like apartment with my roommate in Hawaii (Was it Jennifer or Kathryn? Cant remember but I miss you both terribly). I got a phone call from my dad. He said he couldn't remember if I remembered his friend Shane from playing softball back in the day, but Shane's wife, Meredith had discovered she cannot get pregnant on her own. Even with help from doctors removing her eggs, fertilizing them in a petri dish, and putting them back in her, nothing works. So my dad asked if I would be willing to donate some of MY eggs to Shane and Meredith so they could try to get pregnant.

I still to this day do not know why they chose me. Why they wanted a child with half my genes is beyond me. (I used to joke with Meredith about raising Satan's spawn if she got prego with my eggs). So for one reason or another, they decided to bypass all my family history health issues (you're supposed to be basically genetically PERFECT for generations upon generations to donate eggs) and we started the process that week.

I had only spoken to Meredith on the phone. She was in Arizona arranging doctor visits and ultrasounds to be done half in Hawaii, and eventually the other half would be done in Arizona. We texted and called every single day. She became my instant best friend. When we weren't talking about my doc appts and my medicines we were talking about school or boys or her kids (she has two beautiful adopted children already) and things were moving along.

Quick run down of the process: [[vaginal]] Ultrasounds (sorry, awkward) and blood work pretty much every other week, then every week, then every other day, then every day. The insides of my elbows have seen more needles than they ever cared to. They saw more nurses who didn't know how to draw blood than they ever cared to as well. About 7 different old dudes saw everything I've got. I always wondered how strange it must be for pregnant women to just spread 'em every time the doc needs to check everything. Now I know... you just get used to it and get over it. I injected myself with fertility drugs every day. 3 shots to the belly. (Diabetics, props for doing that shit your whole life. After a few months my tummy was so tender).



The drugs put my ovaries on overdrive, mass producing eggs and then holding them there so they could be removed later. Started everything in April. By removal date in July I had over 50 eggs on my ovaries (for those that don't know, we normally produce 1 a month) I had 50+. My ovaries were HUGE. I felt like I was pregnant. My belly was swollen due to my enlarged ovaries. I gained weight, my boobs were sore, I was hormonal and emotional (like cry over nothing all the time emotional). I ate constantly. And I talked to my eggies. I talked to my little potential babies and told them Meredith needed them, that she would be their mama, that they would have a big brother and sister, and that I would be their auntie and watch them grow up in an incredible family and that's why I needed them to work.

I'm a firm believer in spreading positivity to get positive results. If I was positive about my eggs working for Meredith, then they would work. I felt so good about the whole process. The doctors were super positive, they said I was a PERFECT donor, I was so fertile (weird to say, huh?) this would definitely work with so many eggs. Meredith could try over and over and over again. We could freeze all the eggs that survived (not all of them do) and she could just have an egg reserve basically for when she wanted to try and get pregnant.

So they flew me home to Arizona in July for the actual procedure. They were checking me every single day, drawing blood and checking my hormone levels daily, making plans for removal day. When the doctors in Arizona realized how fertile I was, they decided it would be too dangerous to use the "trigger" drug they use on most donors. (The medicine that releases the eggs from the walls of the sack they chill in so they can suck the eggs out of the sacks). If I used the regular trigger it could result in hyperactive (I think) ovaries, and I could damage them so bad I wouldn't be able to have my own children later in life. Soooo they decided they would use a different trigger that was safer for me, but not as affective as the regular one.

Removal day arrived. I geared up in my hospital gown to be put under anesthesia.



Because I am hilarious, I was messing with the anesthesiologist the whole time they were prepping me. He was so cute and I looked like ^^^that. I know LOL forever.  I was laying on a table with my arms wrapped in sheets so they wouldn't fall off the bed when I was knocked out and my legs in stirrups and a cute dude about to put me to sleep. He was putting the heart monitors on my chest and I told him to please not touch my boobs because they were sore. He's like, "uhhhh... I'm not going to touch them." I told him and PLEASE don't touch my nipples, they are sore too. He's laughing now, "uhhh ok I'll try to refrain." I am sooo funny and embarrassing. (: The anesthesia started hitting me and I'm saying, "Here I goooo. I'm fading away. I'm gonna fall asleep soon. Byyyye." (not because I was loopy, just because I think I'm funny).

ANYWAYS.

So I woke up with Meredith and my sister next to my bed. I asked my nurse who I'd been working with from day 1 how many eggs they were able to get and she told me I would have to ask the doctor. Meredith was pulled into his office to be told how many eggs there were and where we would go from there. I was told from the side of my bed. The "safer" trigger did not work so well, they only retrieved NINE of the 50+ eggs I had produced. They knew it was a possibility, but I was such a good candidate they thought for sure they could get more than 9.

I cried for the rest of the day. My sister drove me home, we cried together on the way home. I cried to my mom when we got there. I felt like the biggest failure on the planet. Shane and Meredith were counting on me to give them the baby they'd been dying for and I could only give them 9 eggs. They assured me over and over that it wasn't my fault. But in that situation, you can't help but feel guilty. All of that could now be for nothing.

Days went by and we were informed that 3 out of the 9 eggs survived. Just 3 eggs could be fertilized and put inside Meredith. Hey, 3 is better than 0! So Shane went in and did his thing (hahahah) they fertilized the eggs, froze 1, and put 2 in Meredith. (Situations like these often times result in multiple pregnancies, twins, triplets, etc. So she was only allowed 2 at a time to be safe in the event of twins).

Two weeks later she took a pregnancy test.

Negative.

I cried again. Meredith cried. I was depressed and I think she was too. It felt like such a waste of time. I felt so bad that they had chosen me, flew me all the way from Hawaii to take MY eggs, and nothing. The money they spent on the process crushed me. I felt I didn't deserve the compensation I was given for my time. (None of your business how much it was, sorry). It was the worst feeling I've ever felt. I wanted to give them a baby so incredibly bad. Meredith wanted a baby more than anything. It sucked. It still sucks. As time goes on I think about the 1 1/2 year old baby they should have with my freckles and my long eyelashes.

I can't even begin to explain to anyone still reading this how much Meredith deserves the baby she wants. I don't even want kids! If I could give her every single egg I have I would. I often think about surrogacy. It isn't even legal in most states these days. It's extremely difficult. Carrying a child, giving birth to him or her, and handing them over to someone else. But I truly think, for Meredith, I would do it.

I still pray to whoever is up there that someday she will change her mind and try getting pregnant with my very last frozen egg. I have the strongest feeling that little egg could be the one. I try super hard to understand why it's too difficult for her mentally and emotionally. The thought of yet another disappointment is too much, therefore the egg remains frozen. (It reminds me of Finding Nemo) He survived, I think my little Nemo egg would too.

If I ever get to a really good place in my life, I think I would carry that egg for her. (scary thought)

BUT. At the end of the day, baby or no baby. Egg or no egg. Pregnant or not. Meredith is such a blessing to my life. For some reason or another, we were brought together as donor and receiver... and made it into a beautiful friendship I am so incredibly thankful for. I'm still working on convincing her to try my Nemo egg. (Will get back to you on that one). She's still texting me weekly asking how I'm doing in school and if I've met any new boys to crush on.


Good things are coming soon. I can feel it. And Meredith, I'll never ever stop being sorry I couldn't give you more eggs. And I'll never stop trying to convince you to try again. And I'll never stop being your friend, even if you decide not to.

So that's my story! Donating my eggs changed my life. My perspective on pregnancy, adoption, abortion, babies, and everything has completely changed. It was definitely a learning experience. And it's hard. To anyone considering it... I can't stress enough how mentally and emotionally prepared you really should be. Even though I talked to psychologists and doctors before starting everything and they approved that I was mentally ready for this. It's hard no matter what.

Onward and upward! (Is that even a saying?)

Love you forever Meredith.

And if anyone has any questions, feel free to ask! I'm super open about the whole experience and I don't mind talking about it with anyone.

To anyone STILL reading. I'm sorry it's a novel. But you can't fit something like this into a few words.

And if you'd like to help us out, check this out:
gofundme.com/iodgts

xo, Tatum

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